Extract from 'Over the Garden Wall'
NORMAN EVANS: Over The Garden Wall
Next door’s neighbours boy has sent a ball flying into the garden of Fanny Fairbottom. She heaves her balloon sized bosoms onto the wall and begins….
“Come here will you? You young Hound! Now listen…never mind that, this balls been over here three times this morning and its got to stop…and come here when I’m talking to you! If it comes in here again, I’m telling you for t’last time, I’ll come down there and separate you from your breath… come here when I’m talking! And you can tell your mother this from me because….
The Mother Has Appeared
Oh.. Ha ha ha… Good morning Mrs Butterworth, ha ha ha… I was just going to ask you, have you got a bit of lard you could lend me? Oh, you haven’t, no, I didn’t think you would have… oh it is, very scarce. Anyway I was…er… who? Oh, our Joe. Oh he’s pottering about somewhere. They’re always in the way, aren’t they? They’re better off at work these men, I’ve said that many a time. Anyway, how are you keeping? ‘Ave yer? Oh I say…..’ave you really? Well, I ‘avent been well meself you know, because…..’ave yer? Do you mean…….
Looks around mouthing the word “Everything??”
Well, its bound to make you feel a bit……yes. Eh? With this weather? Oh, its been bad, yes, well I haven’t been out since… well I mean…
Now she can’t get a word in
….No, you can’t…..No….mmmmmmm, well….yes….mmmmmmm, well we’re not bothering going away till November, we might get a bit of spring by then. Who ‘as? Your ‘usband? Well I saw him yesterday, oh he is looking well. He’s what? Middle age spread? Oh, I must get some of that, is it on points?
No, I thought I might go out today…who ‘as? Where? Have yer? Oh I am sorry. There’s always summat happens at this time isn’t there? It might be this bread y’know, I wouldn’t bother about it…oh no! A bit of bicarb’ll shift it. Y’what? Me? Oh, I keep peggin’ along you know, but er…..(IN CONFIDENCE) … I keep ‘avin them ‘ot sweats you know and it takes it out of you and these men, well they don’t know what it’s like, I mean I was only saying last week…
She slips Off the upturned Bucket, crushing one of her Bosoms on Top Of the wall..a pained expression on her face..recovers composure and delivers the line everyone is waiting to hear
Do you know, that’s the third time this week on the same brick!
Anyhow, how’s your dog going on these days? Getting better? Who? Our cat? Oh, he smells you know….it wants doing away with. Oh yes, It’ll have to go, I could smell it in t’custard on Sunday. I shall have to take it to t’Town ‘all meself, they’re all soft at our house. Anyway…..
The Serious Gossip Starts
Who ‘as? Has she? Oooooh! You mean her at number seven. Oh no, I won’t say a word, no, I never talk! Well, fancy! Mind you, I’m not a bit surprised. I told her. She would go to them illuminations! And that wasn’t the first time. I knew what she was the first time I saw her. Oh yes. That coalman was never away you know. I mean….don’t tell me it takes thirty five minutes to deliver two bags of nuts! Oh yes. I knew what was goin’ on when I saw him shout “Whoa” to his horse from her bedroom window! Oh, and you know Ethel Higginbottom don’t you? Well, she had her face lifted. Its not safe to leave anything lying about these days, is it?
She sniffs the Air
Do you know, I’m going to have to go. I can smell summat… I think cat’s in t’custard again!
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